Let's Get Started!!

Yeah ME...I just ran in my first ever 5K!! A goal my sisters and I set back in January. More on that soon.

I am in the process of restructering this blog. I've had it since the end of last year and really haven't done much with it. Why? Like the usual story line of my life...I didn't know WHAT to do with it. Well, I have found it! Fitness & Spirituality. Will it be AUTHENTIC..You BETCHTA!!

I am so new to this lifestyle. I am NOT an athletic person in any sense of the word. I was always the last one picked in gym class...in fact in High School I would have Dr. notes as to not participate in gym. The funny thing is I like to LOOK athletic. I love dressing the part but the problem is the inside didn't match the outside...which is one of my pet peeves. I have sat 41 years and believed all the lies that would keep me stuck from being FIT and STRONG.

This last January changed all of that. I am going to backtrack to January 2009 and bring us up to date as quick as I can so we can pick up from today....BECAUSE we have lots of 5K's to run this summer and fall!! Lots of P90X...clean eating...boot camps...planning our own 5K and lots more.

The big picture:

It can be done: Forty one - moderate ulcerative colitis - five kids later - unhealthy relationship and NOT rich:) introvert...Together we are going to excavate my/our authentic selves...who God intended me/us to be.

I Samuel 7:12 says, " Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."...thank you Father that thus far you have helped me. There is nothing good that my heart seeks that you have not initiated.

Lets get started!!

I was just reading through todays praise in a book I'm using and once again am struck by the fact that we are so fading. How so often we don't take advantage of times that we are offered to make life changes. I feel one of the most common things when people die is they have so many regrets....when I was in bed last night and drifting off to sleep this thought stirred me...I could die...I am getting older, I am over 40 and what am I doing? A mid-life crisis? Maybe.



I think there is a time in a life that you wakeup and realize God can take me anytime He chooses. Stop being so selfish and make your life count for something. I don't want to have regrets when I die. What are you trying to teach me Father? Psalm 104:29 " But if you turn away from them, they panic. When you take away their breath, they die and turn again to dust. When you send your Spirit, new life is born to replenish all the living of the earth." God gives and takes life.

I ran across these two verses and they so encouraged my heart..."the righteous man may fall seven times and rise again..and...though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the LORD upholds him with His hand." Father how thankful I am that you hold me when I am not even aware of You. Help me to rise again. I surely don't want to stay where I am. While I am waiting renew my strenghth....I want to mount up with wings like eagles so I can run and not be weary and walk and not faint. This seems to be a thread throughout my whole life. I have been weary since I was a child. I have tried to care for myself in selfish pride and not even knowing what I was doing ( after God saved me) At times my flesh or Satan whispers " He doesn't hear you Tiffini, you have gone to far. Almost like my earthly father in that I am not good enough or loveable so therefore I will cast you away." God will then remind me that is a lie but to be honest I do battle this. This is one of those lies that is so embedded in my belief system that I need God's healing to take it away forever.

Matthew 7:11 says " If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him" Doesn't that blow your mind? For those of us who have no father figure or were abused by our father etc. Can you even imagine that in your real life? But God says this is who He is and we are to believe it. Lord help my unbelief!! I want to experience this truth time and time again. I pray this for my children also. YOU ARE NOT LIKE OUR EARTHLY FATHERS!!!

I am so torn as to what to do. Do I get a job? My heart is to be home and care for the kids etc. I don't know what he is going to do in this whole thing. Only you can see the whole picture Father...be my eyes and ears so I can hear you about all else...even mySELF talk. Put a permanent bandage over those wounds on my heart so it can heal. I don't want the anger, bitterness, resentment to be a permanent part of my character. Give my ears attentiveness so I CAN hear you above all else.

I wished I'd had known.....

I wish I'd had known from the beginning that I was born a strong woman.......

I wonder if it would have made a difference to me? Or maybe I should ask myself " can it make a difference now?" I think it can. God reminded me the other day in my quiet time that " I was not a mistake, for all of my days are written in His book - the Bible" Ps. 139:14

I ran my 2.0 miles today and did my 180 ab exercises. I actually ran for about 25 minutes of the 32. Pretty amazing. I'm feeling so much better about myself. It is almost as if my body can get stronger and healthier and start to change shape so will my inner self?...I LOVE to sweat. It is so helpful in getting anxiety and frustration out. I don't like running YET but I LOVE the way I feel after. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!!

It is absolutely beautiful here today. I'm guessing it is close to 70. It makes you want Spring. Both kids aren't feeling well today and stayed home from school. Graci hasn't felt good for several days. I made Dr. appts. for them for Monday. She had pneumonia in August really bad and was out for a week. I'm wondering if she maybe trying to come down with something.

I'm really concerned for the kids. Dakota especially right now. Fourteen is just that age and he is so angry at his dad. He's old enough to see and understand. Most likely angry at me also for not leaving all those many times I said I was. I know they love their dad but there is so many past hurts that continue to happen over and over that it is hard to feel the love. Their security and trust has been broken and as of yet no real understanding on the other side to rebuild the trust.

Anyway - I'm going to go enjoy the rest of our day together. I am waiting for Tosca Reno's " The Eat Clean Diet for Family and Kids" to come in from the bookstore. Can't wait for more idea's on what to fix for me and the kids that is clean and healthy and things they may like!!

I maybe a stronger woman than I think I am....maybe I'm a superwoman in disquise. May we get to see her more and more in the coming days and months :)

Settling For...

Oh - where to start!! From here on out my husband ( who I've been seperated from for almost a year) new name will be DA. Last night I listened to the " I'm sorry, I screwed up again, I don't mean to hurt you, I love you etc. etc." We are on the verge of losing everything again. Third home ( duplex this time) in three years!! Lying, cheating, manipulating, turning it all back on me...yada yada..I don't care anymore.

I am just trying to figure out how I can make a life for myself and the kids. I have no skills...I've worked grocery stores, daycares etc. but no skills to make life support. I have an agency that will help pay for school I just can't figure out how to make money while I'm going to school to get the skills? Our car ( the one I drive ) is about to get repossessed because he has not been paying that either. If that goes what will I drive? I am applying at places this week and I pray the right job or something will come along that will work for the kids and me.

I had my own daycare business that did really well for two years then I just got sick with the ulcerative colitis and with all of the mental and emotional abuse it just was to much. I didn't have health insurance. Last March when I was hospitalized for a week we asked DA to move out. I was able to get insurance so I could get medical attention. Finally, six weeks ago they doubled my Remicade and I feel sooo much better. I'm crossing my fingers that this works so I can get back to living life and be able to get out of this situation.

Last night when I went to bed I was talking to God and wishing I had an earthly dad that could help me in all of this. I know God is my Father -- I think I struggle with something tangible that I can trust. I know HE IS TRUSTWORTHY it is me that has the issue. So I just pictured him holding me and tried to go to sleep. I just pray I will see the next step I'm supposed to take. I know there is a way out of this....I will not settle anymore!!

It's a funny thing about life. If you refuse to settle for anything less than the best, that's what it will give you.

W. Somerset Maugham

I am getting ready to go down for my workout. My sisters and I are running our first 5K on May 9, 2009. This is epic for us!! This is one of my life change goals is to get physically fit. Even at 40 I believe I can do it. I think it will go along way in making me feel better about myself. It is amazing how much the human heart can withstand -and how different it is for each person be-before the breaking point to where YOU/ME make changes.

I am up to 2.0 miles on the treadmill. Today I will work my abs and lower body.

My Exodus Beginning...

"We loathe ourselves for living and lying every day in little ways that devalue and dishonor us. When was the last time you started off a conversation with " I'm sorry" when you weren't?

There comes a point in life..in mine anyway...where enough is enough. Everything around me looks impossible..what do I do..I am in an unhealthy relationship that has dragged me to the bottom-along with my children. I turned to God for years and still things stayed the same. No, in my deepest part of my heart I know it is not God's fault. I believe He wants ME to do something. Not the same old patterns I've done before BUT new ones. HOW? I've got two children to support with no skills to make enough money to support us? Join me on my journey for FREEDOM. We'll leave him in God's hands.

I am/have/can take responsibility for what is mine-I will no longer take responsibility for what's not..I want to enjoy what is left of my life..

This last week my first granddaughter was born Karalina Bleau Ann Scott...I want to enjoy her and her brother--Reed. I want to make friends and laugh..I want to make good and healthy choices w/o worry someone else is making his own choices sabotaging any and all happiness and our expense...I want to find work that I LOVE..that I will grow and learn from..I want to get FIT and FABOULOUS. AFTER ALL I AM 40:) Why waste anymore time?

I'm going to set goals for myself...I want my children to see people and things can change..

I'm not sorry anymore...I'm done with saying sorry and hearing excuses and believing them hoping this time will be better so I can have the family, security, and dreams I've dreamed about since I was a little girl.

I have been exercising FINALLY! this last month. Dr. V doubled my Remicade which has helped so far. I feel good. My symptoms are not 100% gone though. My sisters and I are going to run our first 5K on May 9th. We are training now. I will post pictures of them:)

Graci has her third gymnastics meet February 15. I am excited and nervous for her. I am amazed at how fit these girls are. Mommy is praying for your full turns...You'll always be my ROCKSTAR!!

I have found Tosca Reno and she has been my inspiration for the last couple of weeks. I have changed my eating this last week to eating clean. I think I have lost a little with the combination of exercising I've been doing due to how my clothes fit. I haven't weighted yet. Don't think I want to torture myself yet. I am also doing Tony Horton's P90X program. I am picking and choosing from it until I am stronger. I am working with Grace on eating clean also explaining how it would help her gymnastics AND also establish a firm foundation for health her whole life. I better go. I am also going to try and write something on my blog at least five days a week. It will be good therepy for me just writing out my feelings.

My hair is in a towel and probly dry by now:) LOL! I just crack myself up re-reading what I wrote.. I'm really not crazy:) Just a wounded warrior of a woman trying to understand "ME" After a bit of writing on here I'm sure I will get into a rhythm and find my niche..Of this I am confident:)

Taking a moment to write a few things...My neverending " mind list of to-dos". Grace and I took October 30 & 31 off from school since our local public schools were out. It was nice even though we jam packed it with stuff....Halloween..Grace working at the gym etc. NOW - we have 2 days of school to catch up on plus this week. Sometimes just having school and taking the kids everywhere is tiresome.

The election is over..Whew. Not really a surprise. I have been telling my kids not to worry that God is not surprised and knew exactly what would happen. Really - just calming the fears.

I bought my first juicer this last weekend. I made the best juice I'VE made so far yesterday morning for breakfast. I'm working on a SUPERGIRL "BAM" SMOOTHIE for Graci. She always flexes her pecs and says "BAM". I'll post it once I'm done...

I am still flaring with my UC. Not bad though. My Remicade was scheduled for this last Monday. I am putting it off for two more weeks ( going 8 weeks instead of the six I've been on ) and see what happens with juicing more and eating a high raw diet. I am going to use my suppositories starting today though to see if I can decrease the urgency. I am going about10-12 times a day. Good thing right now is there is not much mucus at all. There is red blood but
no clots....I've kinda learned what to watch for so we'll see.

I watched a Purity Ball last night and I am going to look up a book that was on it for Grace to read. She mentioned a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to marry a man like Mr. Vince ( her children's pastor). I believe God has planted that desire in her heart. I told Nikki last night that she is the only child that was prayed for BEFORE she was conceived. After all I prayed for God to change MY heart on having another baby :-) I was done after four! It makes me sad that I was not saved and praying over all my children. BUT I prayed for them all after. I recently picked up Stormie Omartian books " The Power of a Praying Wife and Praying Parent" It is helping me start conversations with God again. It seems I've been in a wandering wilderness for the last couple of years and it is SO GOOD to be engaged again with God and His people.

The passion is stirring again...now to find the time and the jumping off point....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO REED!

I could just take him and keep him forever. He's so gorgeous and I love him so much!




We just got our new competition leos and warmups last night!! Graci is so excited. Her first level 6 competition is December 13, 2008..

I was just over visiting MckMama and praying for baby Stellan. WOW- what a list of prayer warriors and the awesome power of a community all over the world uniting via computers knitting themselves together in prayer for a family and then to watch God's plan unfold is testimony that our God LIVES.... HE IS STILL ON THE THRONE even in the midst of our countries turmoil..AMEN? I am SO excited to get involved with communities of women and develop a foundation of friends & family support.

First thing on my never ending list of "to do's" ( of which I am a slave to :-)
is to write a profile of myself explaining who all of these lovely faces are on my blog. I am waiting for one more picture of my oldest daughter to be put up so THE FAM is complete! MckMama reminds me a little of myself when my tribe was younger....NOW..the time has leaped ahead 20 years and I am standing here going " wait a minute" I want to go back for just a day and hold them again. Time truly does FLY BY.

I will be sharing about my journey with IBD - Inflammatory Bowel Disease of which I have one of the two called Ulcerative Colitis and along with that the journey God is now taking me down a nutrition path. I plan on posting a documentary of trying a high raw food diet to see the effects of that on my UC....

I have much to say about turning 40 this year, my journey to find my "authentic self" the person God created my to be, my story ( still being written :) of being a wounded warrior, my quest to be a balanced mom of a competitive gymnast at an elite training center, becoming a grandma this last November to the cutest grandbaby ever..Reed and waiting on grandbaby #2 due this February!!!!...( Karalina Bleau)

Second marriage..three children by my first marriage..2 children in my second and current marriage..we have been married for 14 years..Second separation..lots of counseling..have been praying for about 8 years for his salvation..genuine repentance..my continued heart healing..renewed hope and strength that me and the children will see the other side..

..beginning an exercise program of walking/running 20 minutes a day...

...is that enough for the moment:-) Needless to say my heart is overflowing and is in need of a place to put it all down. THIS is my place. MY HEART HOUSE:-)......I am compelled to believe there is a purpose and a dream for my life and all have not been in vain. I may not live to see it but I BELIEVE GOD that HE WILL USE IT for HIS GLORY and for the healing of generations of hurt in my family. IT TAKES JUST ONE--

From NOW on.... Live before you die; and vice versa...