I wished I'd had known.....

I wish I'd had known from the beginning that I was born a strong woman.......

I wonder if it would have made a difference to me? Or maybe I should ask myself " can it make a difference now?" I think it can. God reminded me the other day in my quiet time that " I was not a mistake, for all of my days are written in His book - the Bible" Ps. 139:14

I ran my 2.0 miles today and did my 180 ab exercises. I actually ran for about 25 minutes of the 32. Pretty amazing. I'm feeling so much better about myself. It is almost as if my body can get stronger and healthier and start to change shape so will my inner self?...I LOVE to sweat. It is so helpful in getting anxiety and frustration out. I don't like running YET but I LOVE the way I feel after. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!!

It is absolutely beautiful here today. I'm guessing it is close to 70. It makes you want Spring. Both kids aren't feeling well today and stayed home from school. Graci hasn't felt good for several days. I made Dr. appts. for them for Monday. She had pneumonia in August really bad and was out for a week. I'm wondering if she maybe trying to come down with something.

I'm really concerned for the kids. Dakota especially right now. Fourteen is just that age and he is so angry at his dad. He's old enough to see and understand. Most likely angry at me also for not leaving all those many times I said I was. I know they love their dad but there is so many past hurts that continue to happen over and over that it is hard to feel the love. Their security and trust has been broken and as of yet no real understanding on the other side to rebuild the trust.

Anyway - I'm going to go enjoy the rest of our day together. I am waiting for Tosca Reno's " The Eat Clean Diet for Family and Kids" to come in from the bookstore. Can't wait for more idea's on what to fix for me and the kids that is clean and healthy and things they may like!!

I maybe a stronger woman than I think I am....maybe I'm a superwoman in disquise. May we get to see her more and more in the coming days and months :)

Settling For...

Oh - where to start!! From here on out my husband ( who I've been seperated from for almost a year) new name will be DA. Last night I listened to the " I'm sorry, I screwed up again, I don't mean to hurt you, I love you etc. etc." We are on the verge of losing everything again. Third home ( duplex this time) in three years!! Lying, cheating, manipulating, turning it all back on me...yada yada..I don't care anymore.

I am just trying to figure out how I can make a life for myself and the kids. I have no skills...I've worked grocery stores, daycares etc. but no skills to make life support. I have an agency that will help pay for school I just can't figure out how to make money while I'm going to school to get the skills? Our car ( the one I drive ) is about to get repossessed because he has not been paying that either. If that goes what will I drive? I am applying at places this week and I pray the right job or something will come along that will work for the kids and me.

I had my own daycare business that did really well for two years then I just got sick with the ulcerative colitis and with all of the mental and emotional abuse it just was to much. I didn't have health insurance. Last March when I was hospitalized for a week we asked DA to move out. I was able to get insurance so I could get medical attention. Finally, six weeks ago they doubled my Remicade and I feel sooo much better. I'm crossing my fingers that this works so I can get back to living life and be able to get out of this situation.

Last night when I went to bed I was talking to God and wishing I had an earthly dad that could help me in all of this. I know God is my Father -- I think I struggle with something tangible that I can trust. I know HE IS TRUSTWORTHY it is me that has the issue. So I just pictured him holding me and tried to go to sleep. I just pray I will see the next step I'm supposed to take. I know there is a way out of this....I will not settle anymore!!

It's a funny thing about life. If you refuse to settle for anything less than the best, that's what it will give you.

W. Somerset Maugham

I am getting ready to go down for my workout. My sisters and I are running our first 5K on May 9, 2009. This is epic for us!! This is one of my life change goals is to get physically fit. Even at 40 I believe I can do it. I think it will go along way in making me feel better about myself. It is amazing how much the human heart can withstand -and how different it is for each person be-before the breaking point to where YOU/ME make changes.

I am up to 2.0 miles on the treadmill. Today I will work my abs and lower body.

My Exodus Beginning...

"We loathe ourselves for living and lying every day in little ways that devalue and dishonor us. When was the last time you started off a conversation with " I'm sorry" when you weren't?

There comes a point in life..in mine anyway...where enough is enough. Everything around me looks impossible..what do I do..I am in an unhealthy relationship that has dragged me to the bottom-along with my children. I turned to God for years and still things stayed the same. No, in my deepest part of my heart I know it is not God's fault. I believe He wants ME to do something. Not the same old patterns I've done before BUT new ones. HOW? I've got two children to support with no skills to make enough money to support us? Join me on my journey for FREEDOM. We'll leave him in God's hands.

I am/have/can take responsibility for what is mine-I will no longer take responsibility for what's not..I want to enjoy what is left of my life..

This last week my first granddaughter was born Karalina Bleau Ann Scott...I want to enjoy her and her brother--Reed. I want to make friends and laugh..I want to make good and healthy choices w/o worry someone else is making his own choices sabotaging any and all happiness and our expense...I want to find work that I LOVE..that I will grow and learn from..I want to get FIT and FABOULOUS. AFTER ALL I AM 40:) Why waste anymore time?

I'm going to set goals for myself...I want my children to see people and things can change..

I'm not sorry anymore...I'm done with saying sorry and hearing excuses and believing them hoping this time will be better so I can have the family, security, and dreams I've dreamed about since I was a little girl.

I have been exercising FINALLY! this last month. Dr. V doubled my Remicade which has helped so far. I feel good. My symptoms are not 100% gone though. My sisters and I are going to run our first 5K on May 9th. We are training now. I will post pictures of them:)

Graci has her third gymnastics meet February 15. I am excited and nervous for her. I am amazed at how fit these girls are. Mommy is praying for your full turns...You'll always be my ROCKSTAR!!

I have found Tosca Reno and she has been my inspiration for the last couple of weeks. I have changed my eating this last week to eating clean. I think I have lost a little with the combination of exercising I've been doing due to how my clothes fit. I haven't weighted yet. Don't think I want to torture myself yet. I am also doing Tony Horton's P90X program. I am picking and choosing from it until I am stronger. I am working with Grace on eating clean also explaining how it would help her gymnastics AND also establish a firm foundation for health her whole life. I better go. I am also going to try and write something on my blog at least five days a week. It will be good therepy for me just writing out my feelings.

My hair is in a towel and probly dry by now:) LOL! I just crack myself up re-reading what I wrote.. I'm really not crazy:) Just a wounded warrior of a woman trying to understand "ME" After a bit of writing on here I'm sure I will get into a rhythm and find my niche..Of this I am confident:)